Oh Poopy

We got sent to a house late at night where this crazy drunk dude punched a fish tank. The firefighters and ambulance crew are staging because the situation is too "dangerous" and the scene is "unsafe." So guess who gets sent to clear the scene? The real heroes, of course! (Just kidding, hose-draggers. I really do have a lot of respect for you guys and I appreciate what you guys do. I know if crap hits the fan for us, you guys would be there to patch us up).

So me and my FTO (field training officer) got to the house. It's in a white trash neighborhood and the houses look nasty. I walked up to the house and there's this nasty-looking chick hanging out the window, saying, "He went to the back yard. He's been drinking and has problems and blah blah." The entire time she's talking to me, I'm looking at her, thinking, "OMG. The Hills Have Eyes people DO exist."

My FTO, a chippy (CHP officer), and I walked through the side yard of the house to make our way to the back yard. We were almost to the back yard when I shined my flashlight down on the ground ahead of me. It was sewage. Raw, nasty sewage. I'm guessing their bathroom had a leak. Now with disgusted looks on our faces, we continued to walk. I can hear my poor size-9 boots making splishy splashy stepping-on-wet-stuff noises. We finally got to the back yard and I heard my FTO (with a frustrated tone) say he just stepped on dog crap. I shined my flashlight around and saw poop everywhere. It was such a crappy situation.

It was like a minefield in Afghanistan, except we're in a trailer trash back yard with poo instead of land mines.

I walked towards the back fence and saw blood stains on two parts of the fence. I told my FTO the guy probably planted his hands on the fence to hop it. We moved away from the bloody part of the fence and hopped it. We never found the guy, so we went back to the back yard. The fence was about 4-feet high. My FTO decided to push the 5-foot, shitty condition fence forward, to bend it like an arch so it would be easier for us to go over it. I pushed the fence down so my FTO could get over.

Now it was my turn to negotiate the fence. My FTO held the fence down while I belly crawled over it. I planted my leg on the ground while the other was still on the fence. My FTO thought I got over, so he let go. The fence slowly began to spring back towards its upright position. It was then, that your One and Only, felt a tug on his right leg. Part of the fence caught the bottom of my right pant leg and pulled my right leg up......while my left foot was planted on the ground. This kinda happened slow. As it happened, I thought, "Oh shhh********tttt!!!"

I'm now doing the splits, standing on one leg while the other is 90 degrees out. The fence sprung all the way up and I fell on my ass and back.

"Perez! Are you okay?" says my FTO.

Me *pissed*: "Yeah! Fuck! PLEASE TELL ME I DIDN'T LAND ON SHIT!"

My FTO laughed his ass off. I was stuck and couldn't get up. After my FTO was able to breathe again, he unhooked my pant and helped me up. I looked at the ground and there was a piece of dog crap right next to where I landed. I was probably within 2 inches from it. The firefighters and paramedics got a kick out of it when my FTO told them what happened. Looking back, it was pretty funny.

FTO - "That's the quote of the day. 'PLEASE TELL ME I DIDN'T LAND ON SHIT!'"